The Letter
by ReJo
Summary: DL The promo for episode 416 was the inspiration for this angst-ridden story that includes a letter from Lindsay to Danny. Follow their journey as they try to heal. DL, Mac/OC
1. From Lindsay

**The Letter**

**A/N: **Yes, I'm joining in on the fray. I felt compelled to write this, as I'm sure all of the authors who have penned stories in reaction to the promo for episode 416 have. As much as I've tried to calm myself down by saying 'it's just a TV show,' I've come to realize that this bothers me for one reason and one reason only – I have no life. So here it is.

**Chapter 1 – From Lindsay**

Danny looked at the empty desk across from his own. His mind went back to the past few months and he couldn't deny the pangs of guilt that sent intermittent shockwaves through his body. He could feel it, almost like an accusatory finger poking him in his chest along with a jolt that would momentarily still his footsteps.

His new office mate, Tim, would arrive next week from Texas and he knew nothing about him except his "stellar record" as a CSI, or at least that was how Mac had put it. He didn't plan any subtle or extravagant "Welcome to New York" hazing. That was a thing of the past.

When he received Lindsay's letter, he read and reread it until its words, no, its phrases and sentences were etched into his memory. At this point, it played over and over in his mind. It was as if he could see her saying:

_Danny,_

_It would be so easy to demonize our whole relationship by dwelling only on the past few months. I've never been one to take the easy route, so I'll let you know that I don't regret having known you. You provided companionship that I needed – it kept me from trying to leave New York sooner._

_I don't blame you for the way things turned out. I blame myself because I've fallen in love with you, and that's a problem of my own making. I was warned against even going out with you, but I chose to ignore the warnings and went so far as to let my heart get involved. My mother always told me that I had to learn lessons the hard way, and as usual she was right. I walked down this path hoping that I could make you something you weren't. Obviously, I was doomed to fail from the start. It was unfair of me to try to change you._

_I don't know how many times you had a lapse in judgment or whatever you called it, and I __**really**__ don't want to know. Every memory of every touch from you is tainted because I can never think about our time together without wondering whose hands yours held before, or whose skin you caressed, and if you wished you were with someone else when you were with me. I hate that I'm left to wonder how I measure up to the others._

_Do the next girl a favor. Tell her up front that you're not capable of being in a long-term monogamous relationship. It will save her a lot of heartache as well as the time it would take for her to repair her self-esteem. I understand that some people get a thrill from breaking hearts, but I guess I'll ask you one more time to be something you're not and implore you to forgo that thrill and show some compassion._

_I hope I don't come across as harsh, but after what we've been through we're past being coy and caring. _

_I wish you well. I wish you better than you gave me._

_Lindsay_

**A/N: **I've started a response from Danny; actually I've started two. One is from a cocky Danny, and I couldn't finish that one because it seemed too OOC, and the other is from a contrite Danny. Let me know what you want to see. Thanks!


	2. From Danny

The Letter

**The Letter**

**Chapter 2 – From Danny**

Danny started writing so many letters in response to Lindsay's letter. He knew that the letter he received from Lindsay could not go unchallenged, but he needed to be in the right frame of mind when he wrote his reply. The tone of his letters varied depending on his mood. At times he only wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt him. It would have been so easy to send a letter saying, "I never made any promises to you about fidelity or a future together," and "I can't say that I love you; I don't say what I don't feel, but I cared for you and I never did anything out of bad motives." Instead, the letter he decided to send said:

Lindsay,

I've read your letter many times. If your intention was to hurt me the way I hurt you, then you've done a great job. After all the time we spent together and all that we shared, I don't understand how you could doubt what we had. I can't believe that you now doubt everything we meant to each other. I wanted you to be happy and _we_ were happy together. We were _good_ together. I made a mistake. One mistake which I will always regret. You've told me that you didn't want an explanation because it wouldn't matter in the end. I think it does matter. It matters if that mistake causes you to doubt yourself. It matters if it causes you to lose the trust that you just started to build in humanity – in love. _It _matters. _We _matter.

You had every right to walk away, but I wish you had given me the chance to mend what we had. You exercised that right and I understand why. I don't understand why you want to leave your entire life and all of your friends in New York because of what I did. I am sorry for what I did and I am sorry that I hurt you. I am sorry that you feel as if I asked you out with the intention of hurting you. I did not intend for us to end this way. Do you know how deeply your tears are etched into my conscience? Despite what you've heard, cheating is not my style. Although I'm sure my transgression doesn't help my case, please don't take this isolated event (and it was only one time) as validation of office rumors.

Knowing that you won't be in my life kills me.

You certainly deserve better than the way we ended, but I gave all I had to give while we were together. I'm sorry if that wasn't enough.

Love always,

Danny


	3. Take a Lesson

Danny,

**Chapter 3 – Take a Lesson**

Danny,

There are certain facts that are not in dispute:

1) We flirted with each other for a long time

2) I rejected you because of past issues I had to deal with _on my own_

3) You continued being a friend to me and flew to Montana on a whim to support me

4) We eased our way into what I thought was a relationship

5) You blamed yourself for losing someone you loved and wanted to grieve _on your own_, just as I had

6) I continued being a friend to you and offered my support

7) You made a decision to have sex with another woman "for comfort"

There are certain assumptions that were made that obviously are in dispute:

1) I assumed that we were in a monogamous relationship

2) You assumed that we were not

3) I assumed that we would be honest with each other

4) You assumed that it was acceptable for you to lie to me to cover up your dalliances

We obviously approached what we had from diametrically opposed points of view. The only conclusion that I can reach is that we should have never been together in the first place. We were incompatible in a romantic capacity and your lies have made a platonic relationship impossible.

Lindsay

**CSI:NY**

Lindsay,

You have analyzed our relationship in clinical terms; obviously you are shutting down emotionally to protect yourself. If you learn anything from me, please learn that you have to deal with whatever is causing you pain or you will self-destruct and lose everything that is good about your life.

I only wanted to grieve in my own way, which led to me isolating myself from you and turning to someone else for comfort and support. I lied to you. Somewhere along the way I justified what I was doing to myself and I felt as if I owed her more than I owed you. I was wrong and I know that. I let my guilt skew my sense of right and wrong. I was willing to do the wrong things to get rid of the pain. But, like drug users, when the high is gone, I realized that I was left with more problems than I started with. Everything that was good about my life was gone.

As painful as it is, trying to hide pain or trying to run away from it doesn't work. I know that you don't consider me a friend, but at least learn from my mistakes.

Love,

Danny


	4. Perfectly Clear

Danny,

**A/N: **I'm a conspiracy theorist at times, so I'm beginning to think that either TPTB want to make Danny like he was in Season 1, or maybe Lindsay won't be on the show for Season 5. Do you remember how they started that storyline to work Aiden off the show? Unless Anna's pregnant again and she's going to have to disappear for a while during Season 5. ** I haven't heard ANY rumors. My imagination is working overtime. In no way am I a reliable source.**

**Chapter 4 – Perfectly Clear**

Danny,

I'm not sure I understand your motives for warning me about "trying to hide pain or trying to run away from it." Have you suddenly become concerned about my welfare? I can't believe that The Great Danny Messer is not thinking about himself anymore. After all that's gone on, I can't help but think that there must be something in it for you - absolution, maybe? If that's what you need, consider yourself absolved.

You can save your concern. I'm taking care of mine. Just make sure you take care of yours.

By the way, when I knew that I could not be in a relationship I was up front with you and told you about it. I knew that it wasn't fair to jerk you around emotionally.

You should have learned _that_ lesson from me.

Lindsay

**CSI:NY**

Lindsay,

I think you misinterpreted the tone and meaning behind my letters. I am not trying to pick a fight with you or trying to deflect blame for my actions. I know that you don't see me as a trustworthy person, but I remember when you didn't trust anyone and also when you began to trust. I don't want you to let my mistake put you back several years. People are going to disappoint you. I don't want you going through life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want you to be able to trust people again, even if you can never trust me.

Regarding absolution, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't make a difference whether or not you forgave me. I'd never expect you to forget what I did. I'd really be lying if I said that I didn't entertain thoughts of us together again. It's the only way I can get a semblance of peace of mind. I know you don't want to hear that, but at this point I have nothing more to lose.

I screwed up and I can't say that I did it blindly. I was selfish and I was willing to hurt you in the process. I lied and at the time I felt no remorse as long as I could get what I wanted.

I disappointed you and everyone else, including myself. If you had told me that I would have done any of the things that I did I never would have believed you.

All that I'm trying to tell you is that I'm sorry. I do know that it's too little, too late, but it still needed to be said.

With undying love,

Danny

**A/N: **Guys, I don't know where to take this. I'm thinking of waiting until Wednesday's episode airs. I promise that if they don't bring up this thing between them I'm never watching it again. I hope they don't string this out and put this off until Season 5. They've jerked us around enough.


	5. Glimmer

Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Danny,

I've read your last letter many times over the past two months. I've also thought about the letters that I had sent you. I still feel as if I was righteously angry, especially when I found out that you tried to keep seeing me after you did what you did, but I'm learning to let go of that anger somewhat. When I think about you, I feel more than just hurt. I can also remember the good times – and there were many – with fondness, and recall why I fell in love with you in the first place.

When I first read your letter I literally laughed until I cried. I still find it hard to believe that you entertain thoughts of us being together again. I guess you know by now that while I wasn't shopping for a husband, I also wasn't looking for a casual relationship. I believe in monogamy. I don't share.

We've changed so much. I'm a lot more cautious than I used to be. You were right – I had started shutting down emotionally, but I needed to protect myself. I still have my guard up and as long as I feel it's necessary, it will remain up. Believe me, you don't want to deal with me while I can't trust you. That would be a very painful exercise in patience and endurance for you and would only add to my guilt about not being able to trust you. I think it would be better for us if we learned from this and move on.

Don't worry about me. I've come to know a therapist quite well. When I get overwhelmed I give her a call. I've made a few friends here, too.

Yes, you screwed up badly, but as we've both learned, being mired in guilt is no way to live.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Love,

Lindsay

**CSI:NY**

Danny read the letter from Lindsay about four times. Between each read he took in his surroundings expecting to be instantaneously transported to his junior high science class on test day, having not studied for the test. He really thought it was a dream. He noticed that her tone had softened greatly. To him this was an open door to appease his longing to be near her. Each of her previous letters was cold, analytical, and full of rejection.

He had expected no more communication from her since he had not heard from her for two months. Now he knew why. She had taken his advice to heart and had been trying to figure things out. There was no way he would pass up what he felt was the chance to get back what he had.


	6. Leaving

The Letter

**WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 419**

**Chapter 6 - Leaving**

**Flashback**

_It wasn't over. She was summoned to Mac's office to find him joined by Detective Quinn Shelby, a criminalist at the New Jersey crime lab with a specialization in microscopy, who was standing to the right of his chair where he was seated. She hadn't seen Quinn since she left after the re-accreditation inspection. Mac gestured for her to sit in a chair in front of his desk. Quinn kept her eyes on Lindsay as she cautiously took a seat._

_Meeting with Mac _and_ Quinn did not bode well with Lindsay. It didn't take a CSI to know that Mac didn't call her in to see how her day was going. She suspected that this had to do with her walking away from the evidence while talking to Danny, although she had been under the impression that the matter was over when she received a letter of reprimand._

"_Morning, Lindsay."_

"_Morning, Mac."_

_Mac didn't bother to reacquaint Lindsay and Quinn._

"_Lindsay, the issue of the evidence being left out was handled locally by means of an official reprimand, but now there are some who, due to some allegations of grafting by a couple of inspectors, are going through all accreditations issued in the past four month. Any perceived abnormalities reported are being flagged and reexamined. Some of the consequences have been deemed insufficient and further action is being taken. In some cases, to avoid the appearance of administering double punishment…"_

_Quinn piped in, "Working with me is not a punishment, Mac."_

_Mac cocked his head to the side to look at Quinn, rolled his eyes, and resumed speaking, "…the powers that be have instituted a retraining program…"_

"_Mac, you've got to be kidding me! I've been a CSI for five years." Lindsay cried._

"…_that you will take part in. I assure you that while Detective Shelby and I do not believe this is necessary it could have been a lot worse. Starting tomorrow you will be working under Detective Shelby's tutelage for a six month period at the New Jersey crime lab…"_

"_They can't do this!"_

"…_The Department will pay for your lodging and you will get a per diem for meals."_

_Quinn took over. _

"_Lindsay, as far as I'm concerned this is unwarranted, but I promise to make your stay in Jersey as enjoyable as possible."_

_She waited for Lindsay's reply, but she was speechless and appalled. Six months away from her home, the New York lab, and her friends. Six months away from Danny. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad._

"_When do I leave?"_

**CSI:NY**

_As she packed, Lindsay thought about the previous night's events. She had finally relented to watching "Jaws" with Danny. He caught her at a weak moment when she did not want to go home to an empty apartment. They ate, they drank, they recited their favorite lines from the movie. They were having a good time until there was a knock at the door. Danny paused the movie and answered the door. _

"_Rikki." He was obviously not expecting her._

"_Hi, Danny. I just wanted to know if I left my…"_

_She couldn't finish her sentence because Danny pushed her out of the door and closed it behind him. Lindsay recognized the telltale nervousness he exhibited, gathered her things and headed to the door. When she opened it, Danny and Rikki stopped talking and looked at Lindsay – Danny with a guilty look and Rikki with a confused look._

_Danny grabbed Lindsay's arm and pleaded, "Where are you going, Lindsay? I'll be back in in a minute."_

_Lindsay jerked her arm from his hand and spat out, "Don't bother, Danny. I've been in denial all of this time. I _knew_ something was going on, but I didn't want to believe it was this. Of all the things I thought you were, I never thought you were a liar!" She turned to Rikki. "Tell me, was it good for you?" She then turned to Danny._

"_How long have you two been going at it? Huh? Is that you wanted from the beginning? To make a fool of me? Well, bravo, Messer. Job well done. You bagged the new girl and made a fool of her."_

_She turned back to Rikki. "If I were you, I wouldn't make any long-term plans with this one."_

_She turned and left._

_Danny sighed heavily and dropped his head as he closed his eyes. He couldn't watch her walk away from him and he couldn't look Rikki in the eye._

**CSI:NY**

_He hadn't counted on Rikki stopping by. _

_He hadn't intended to tell Lindsay about what happened between him and Rikki._

_His fantasy world and real life collided the moment Lindsay stepped out the door._

**CSI:NY**

_Lindsay had accepted that Danny didn't feel the same way about her as she felt about him, but knowing that he cheated… She had no respect for him anymore. He was no longer worthy of her trust._

_She could not look at him without revealing her repulsion. They only conversed about business. She only greeted him because it was the polite thing to do, but she never asked about how he was doing. She didn't care anymore. He had someone else to care how he was doing. He had let her know that he didn't want to turn to her for comfort. He was someone else's project now._

**CSI:NY**

_Lindsay looked around her room at the mess she had created in an hour's time. She made the mess before she remembered that she could catch a couple of trains back home on the weekends, so she didn't have to pack for the entire time period she was gone. She also wasn't going to a third world country, so if she forgot something she could always go shopping._

**CSI:NY**

_When he got into his office, the first thing Danny noticed was the box on Lindsay's desk. He looked around to make sure no one was passing by and walked around her desk and peeked in. He saw some of her personal effects from her desk within it. _She hadn't said anything about leaving.

"_Detective," Quinn said as she put her hand on his shoulder, which made Danny jump._

"_Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." She held out a white unsealed envelope with Lindsay's name on._

"_Can you give this to Detective Monroe when she gets back in the office? Tell her she'll need to bring this to HR so that her badge can be recoded for access to the Jersey lab."_

"_The Jersey lab?" Danny questioned with a frown._

"_Just make sure she gets that. Thank you."_

_With that, Quinn turned and left the office. Danny stood there for a minute. Lindsay entered the office and saw Danny standing behind her desk staring at a white envelope in his hand. _

"_Excuse me." He moved away from her desk, but eyed her the whole time. She didn't say anything, she just put a couple more things in the box on her desk._

"_What's going on, Lindsay?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_What do you mean, what do I mean? What do you think I mean? You have a box with your personal effects on your desk, Quinn gave me an envelope with papers you need to get access to the Jersey lab…" he threw the envelope in the box on her desk. "Do you see where I'm going with this?" He was getting impatient with her; she wouldn't even look at him._

"_Can you look at me for once, Linds? What's going on?"_

_Lindsay looked at him and said in a very mechanical tone, "I left evidence out, so I have to work with Quinn at the Jersey lab for a while."_

"_What? Why? I thought you told me they dealt with that. Why are they doing this now?"_

"_It's too complicated to explain."_

"_Too complicated? Look, I know that what we're going through now… I haven't stopped caring about you. I miss you, and now you're telling me that you're leaving to work at another lab? You can talk to the union about whether they can do this…"_

"_Look, Danny. We're not anything to each other anymore. We're not even friends, so why does it matter where I'm going? Where was your righteous indignation when you were screwing Rikki? I _can't_ be friends with you Danny. You broke my heart. Even if I was the only one who fell in love, I felt it and I hurt when it was over."_

"_Lindsay…"_

"_Don't, Danny." With that, she picked up her box and walked out._

**End Flashback**


	7. The Request

The Letter

**A/N: **I've changed a couple of lines in chapters one and two to align them with Lindsay's temporary assignment.

**The Letter**

**Chapter 7 – The Request**

New Jersey was not New York. Once Lindsay got over that, she actually found that she liked it enough to request a transfer. Her new coworkers were friendly and professional, and after doing some research, she found that the rent was much cheaper than for comparable apartments in New York. Why shouldn't she move? Quinn told her that there was an opening for a CSI in the lab and that she would recommend her if she wanted to transfer there permanently.

The only hitch in her plan? Mac. When she called him to make him aware of her intentions, he was actually speechless. When he asked if it was because of what went on between her and Danny she said that while she'd like to deny that it did, she saw that working with him was affecting her job performance. She also let him know that she genuinely liked working at the Jersey crime lab, and although she would miss her New York coworkers, she felt as if she fit in just as well in her new surroundings. He told her to fill out the paperwork and to let him think about it for a while.

**CSI:NY**

It was Danny's finding the transfer request on Mac's desk that precipitated his phone call to Lindsay, which resulted in her first letter to him. During their conversation he badgered her as to why she really wanted to leave and insisted that they could continue working together. He persistently tried to offer an explanation for his infidelity, which she rejected.

And round and round they went until Lindsay finally hung up on him. She didn't bother to answer his calls or return his messages, but instead she wrote a letter.

**CSI:NY**

Word got around (thanks to Danny) that Lindsay had applied for a transfer to the Jersey lab. Everyone was shocked and slightly hurt that she wanted to leave them. They considered her a part of their family.

Stella stormed into Mac's office not caring that he was on the phone.

"Mac, tell me you are not seriously considering approving that transfer request!" she bellowed.

Mac looked at her with a mixture of fear and bewilderment and hurriedly ended his call.

"Care to repeat that, Ms. Bonasera?"

"You heard me. Lindsay applied for a transfer. What are you going to do about it?"

"I'm going to consider it then make a decision."

"You know what I mean Mac. Lindsay belongs here. Just because things went sour between her and Danny she wants to jump ship. If you allow her to do that she'll never stop running. Why do you think she left Bozeman?"

"Having your friends killed and having your heart broken are two different things."

"I know they are. But you have to make the right decision here. Please, Mac. Don't break up our family."

Mac looked at her grimly and nodded. Then he burst into laughter.

"That was good, Stella. Really good."

Stella began laughing. "Did you like that? Nice touch, right?"

"Very nice. You should get an Academy Award."

Stella curtsied and smiled brightly.

"But seriously, Mac, what are you going to do about Lindsay's request?"

"And how did you know about her request."

"Does it matter?"

"No, I guess it doesn't. I don't want her to go either, but I have to make sure that it's for professional reasons. If you can give me a good reason, I'll gladly deny it. Right now, I have nothing."

Stella sat opposite Mac and crossed her legs.

"Have you thought about shame? All of the time we've put into training her and she wants to leave us because of _Danny_?"

"_I _am not good with shame. That's _your_ department."

"Give me 24 hours." Stella stood while sporting a sly grin. "She'll be back." She strode out of the office with a confident swagger.

**CSI:NY**

_"Hey, Stell. What's up?"_

"Just wondering how things are going. We miss you." _Time to be charmingly ignorant._

_"I miss you guys, too. Things are going great. Quinn is not nearly the hard-ass Mac made her out to be and we get along great. The CSIs and techs are very professional and they love to go out after shift. I don't know how they make it in at 7:00 the next morning."_

"Work hard, play hard."

_"Yeah, right?"_ The women chuckled.

"So, the team is planning something to welcome you back but we want to know where you'd like to go."

_"I…Stell. I don't know how to tell you this, but…I've requested a transfer. If it's approved, I won't be returning."_

"You're kidding me, Linds! What does New Jersey have that New York doesn't have? I'm sure that when you were a little girl you didn't dream about the day you would grow up and live in Jersey. When you came here you said that you had always dreamed about living in New York. What happened?"

Danny happened. _"Stell, I just need a change of pace. Plus, I'll move up the promotion grid faster here."_

"You can move up here, too. Just the other day Mac told me that despite this last mishap you've really proven yourself. Believe me, there's a reason that Quinn wanted the job Mac has. _This_ is where the opportunities for upward mobility are. You can only go so far before you have to come back to this lab."

Silence.

"Look, sweetie, if the problem is with Danny, well, that will pass. I've had more heartbreak than you can imagine. Remember me? The one who had to _shoot_ her boyfriend?"

_"Don't tempt me, Stell…"_

"As much as _I _wanted to shoot Danny after I found out what he did, I don't anymore. You've changed him, Linds. I know that you couldn't tell by his behavior before you left, but he has changed. And he misses you. I'm not trying to get in the middle of this, but I'm telling you as I see it. At the very least, I think you two can work together again."

Silence.

"Lindsay? Am I making any sense?"

_"Stell, you have it all wrong."_

"What do you mean?"

Lindsay inhaled deeply. _"It's not that I don't think I can work with Danny anymore." _There was a long pause. _"It's that…I really think that I've forgiven him and I don't know what he expects. We can't go back to the way we were and I can't just be friends with him, so where does that leave us?"_

"It leaves you at the beginning. Start over and see what happens. Did you fall in love with Danny when you first met him?"

_"Hell no!"_

"Right. It took time. You two can start again. It doesn't have to be anything you don't want it to be."

_"But that's just it. I don't know what I want it to be. Stella, I'm still in love with him. I don't want to be, but I am. My head says not to go there because I can't trust him anymore, but my heart…well, my heart wants him back. You know which one is going to win out."_

"I know. Have you ever thought that maybe your heart is right? I don't subscribe to the notion of 'once a cheater always a cheater.' Not when it comes to Danny."

_"I'm still hurting."_

"I know. Are you hurting as badly as you were when you first found out?"

_"No."_

"You say that you've forgiven him. To me that means that there's a possibility that you can trust him again, at least at some point."

_"But I'm still so scared. I would make his life miserable until I could fully trust him again. How can you build on distrust?"_

"That's_ his_ problem, isn't it?"

_"But, Stell…"_

"No buts, Lindsay. You know what you have to do. You get your cute little butt across that state line and come home. Twenty years from now, you don't want to look back and wonder 'what if I had given this _thing_ another shot'. I think this is your chance for happiness. I'd never advise a woman in your situation to go back if I didn't believe it was the right thing to do. You two have had time away from each other and you've been able to look at the situation objectively, see what could have been done differently, see what you mean to each other. I think that if there was nothing between you, you wouldn't have any feelings for him and he wouldn't have any feelings for you, but we both know that's not the case. What do you say? You going to give us another chance?"

_"Stell-aaaa!" _she whined.

"What'll it be, kid?"

Lindsay took a deep breath and closed her eyes tightly. _"I'm coming home."_

**CSI:NY**

Stella looked very happy with herself. She had worked her magic and gotten her intended result. Mac, who had heard the last of her conversation, was not so happy.

"I thought you were going to shame her, not play matchmaker," he lamented.

"It worked, didn't it?" she asked brightly.

He sighed. "Stella, her being in a relationship with Danny is what got her sent to Jersey in the first place."

"Don't worry, Mac. Trust Stella. She knows what she's doing."

"I hope _Stella_ does or she might find herself collecting evidence in Siberia."

_Next: Chapter 8 – The Reunion_


	8. The Reunion

Chapter 8 – The Reunion

**Disclaimer: I'm only borrowing these characters for my own nefarious purposes…**

**A/N: ** Thanks to all of the readers and reviewers, and to those who have made this story a favorite, or who have signed up for an alert. I was so close to abandoning it because it would only come to me in fits and starts, but it finally came together.

**Chapter 8 – The Reunion**

After Stella got word that Lindsay had asked Mac to rescind her request for a transfer, she busied herself planning for her welcome back outing. Everyone was invited, including Tim who had filled in for Lindsay, but the most important guest was Danny. Mac knew that Stella would take this opportunity to try to get Lindsay and Danny to make amends. She had planted the seed in Lindsay's mind; there was no need for her to do so with Danny. She could tell by his increasing nervousness as her arrival date neared that he had plans of his own to get back in good graces with Ms. Monroe.

**CSI:NY**

The crew waited at the table. Mac raised his hand to signal the bartender for a pitcher. Hawkes and Sid swapped stories from the ER. Angell and Kendall talked about nothing in particular, and Don and Tim whispered to each other about Danny's skittishness and eyed him curiously. Though the constant tapping of his fingers on the table was driving them nuts, they dared not tell him to stop. It was probably the only thing holding him together. Don had filled Tim in on the history between Danny and Lindsay after he asked why Dan seemed so stand-offish, not just with him, but with everyone. He didn't know Lindsay, but that didn't stop him from wanting to observe Messer being brought to his knees by a woman. It's not that he didn't like Messer – he did his job well and kept to himself – but there was always something in the nature of men that made them feel challenged by other men who turned the heads of women. Besides, from what Don had told him, Danny had it coming.

**CSI:NY**

Stella wore a path from the table to the door. She had received an alert on her phone that Lindsay's flight would be delayed about 30 minutes, but still she paced.

Stella opened the towering glass door for an entering couple. They thanked her as they passed and jokingly offered her a tip which made her laugh. Just as she retreated from the doorway, a cab pulled up and a few seconds later Lindsay popped out. She wore a mint green tank top with spaghetti straps, tight boot-cut jeans, and a pair of cowboy boots. She smiled when she spotted Stella holding the door open and quickened her pace to embrace her friend.

"Stell!"

"Lindsay! It's good to see you, kid!"

"It's good to see you too. Sorry I'm so late. My flight was delayed then I stopped at my apartment to drop off my luggage and take a quick shower."

"Ah, so that's you smelling Zest-fully clean today."

The ladies giggled. As Stella wondered if Lindsay had cleaned up and left so much skin exposed for the viewing pleasure of a certain detective, Lindsay wondered if Danny had shown up at all. As Stella led her to the table, she didn't have to wonder anymore. Her heart raced and she became flushed when their eyes met. She wanted to look at the rest of her coworkers, but she couldn't avert her eyes from his.

Before she knew it there was a strange man in front of her thrusting his hand out to shake hers.

"Nice to meet you, Lindsay. I'm Tim. I've heard a lot about you."

Lindsay stammered as she struggled to break Danny's gaze and look at Tim.

"Oh, yes. Tim. Hi. It's…it's nice to…meet you."

Tim went back to his seat and Lindsay could swear she saw him grinning. Did he know about her and Danny? Was her connection to him that transparent? She vainly hoped that no one had noticed her reaction to Danny's presence. _Dream on, Monroe_.

She made her way around the table to greet everyone with a warm smile, a hug and a kiss on the cheek. When she got to Danny, she intended to greet him as she had the others, but their hug and kiss lingered a bit longer. She couldn't deny the jolt that went through her when they touched. He was surprised that he was still breathing.

The team had obviously planned for them to not sit next to each other, so Lindsay took the seat between Stella and Hawkes, which was two seats over from Danny, so she was relieved that she wasn't seated directly across the table from Danny. She knew that she wouldn't be able to stop staring into his eyes if she was, though their seating arrangement didn't stop either of them from slyly glancing at each other.

Throughout the evening the group caught up on cases; compared labs, coworkers, New York and New Jersey; and made jokes about each other's personal life. Of course there was no mention of the demise of Danny and Lindsay's romance, especially since they had all taken notice of the way they held on to each other at the beginning of the evening, indicating that feelings were still there. They just weren't sure what they were.

Stella was on a cloud. Her plan had so far been a success, but it was not complete.

"Okay, guys," she announced as she rose to her feet and grabbed Mac's hand. "It's time to dance. We can't let this good music go to waste."

As if it had been choreographed, Hawkes paired up with Angell, and Adam paired up with Kendall. Lindsay was beginning to feel anxious and trapped. She was trying to figure out which of the remaining men she would ask to dance so that she wouldn't be left to dance with Danny. The last thing she needed was more physical contact with him.

Before she could ask Flack if he'd dance, Danny said, "How 'bout it, Montana?" as he stood and reached for her hand across Hawkes' empty chair.

She took his hand with her sweaty hand and they walked mechanically onto the dance floor. Just then a slow song came on, spinning a story about love and desire.

'_Oh, great. Just what I need – a love song,' _Lindsay thought.

He held her hand and placed his other hand at her waist and she put her hand on his shoulder. They awkwardly moved together for a few seconds with their bodies far enough apart to fit another person between them. As the chorus began, he spun Lindsay, smoothly pulled her flush to his body, and held her there firmly. Their arms were wrapped around each other as they swayed from side to side, all pretense of this only being a dance between coworkers gone. As her nearness and aroma rushed over him he closed his eyes, only momentarily letting himself drift back in time to when he could take holding her this way for granted. He inhaled deeply, the sound of which masked the sound of Lindsay becoming drunk on his scent. She allowed herself, for the first time in months, to pretend they had never been apart.

Danny rubbed his lips against her hair, not daring to go so far as to kiss her. He whispered, "I love you, Lindsay."

He couldn't see the tears that fell from her eyes or the whiteness of her knuckles as she clutched onto him. He didn't need to. She didn't walk away or even relieve her grasp on him. He raised one of his hands to cradle the side of her head as he kissed her hair softly once, twice, three times, then moved his head so that their foreheads could touch. Lindsay's eyes were still closed and he peppered her cheek with a couple of kisses before moving to her mouth and repeating in a whisper the words she wanted to hear again and again. Then he kissed her lips softly yet briefly.

"Danny." Her voice cracked as she attempted to speak.

He kissed her again to delay hearing any misgivings she might have allowed to enter her mind.

She opened her eyes slowly. "Danny."

His eyes opened and he waited for her to continue.

"I don't know what to do about this."

"I do."

"It's been a long time."

"Too long."

The song ended and a mid-tempo song began playing that snapped them back to reality. They looked around and saw their coworkers pretend that they had not been watching them the whole time.

**CSI:NY**

"What are you doing when you leave here?"

"Going home to rest up. I'm on call tomorrow."

"You wanna come over? We can watch a game and have a few drinks…"

Lindsay shook her head. "No, I can't."

"You _can't_? Why not, Montana? I thought you were just going home…"

"I just can't, Danny."

"But why?" he pressed.

"Danny, I can't go to your place knowing that was where you…"

"God, Lindsay. I thought that we were past…"

"You know what? Enjoy your game. I'm going to go home and deal with my own hangups. Okay?" She was frustrated that he didn't understand how she felt and she was frustrated for feeling so scared to move forward with him. There was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to be with him again, but the reality of what he had done could not be easily dismissed.

He grabbed her arm as she turned to leave.

"So you mean that you're _never_ coming over to my place anymore? Ever?"

"Danny, it's not your problem. I have to deal with this in my own way."

"It _is_ my problem if you won't…All I'm saying is…I don't know what I'm saying."

"Danny, we're not together anymore, so, no, this isn't your problem.. I thought that six months away would help, but it's only made me more willing to forgive you and I'm _still_ in love with you, which feels wrong on so many levels…"

"Why is that wrong?"

"All I can think about is you and her doing it on every surface of your place and I can't deal with that now. I'll see you tomorrow."

He growled out of frustration and slid his hand through his hair as he watched her leave.


	9. Introspection

**Disclaimer: **I'm test driving a few characters belonging to CBS, et al, and taking them out for a spin in my world… (insert wicked laugh here).

**A/N:** I watched "I Walk the Line" for the first time last night. I'm not a fan of country music, but the words of one of the songs (written by Kris Kristofferson) seemed apropos.

**Chapter 9 – Introspection**

**Lindsay**

Lindsay watched the beer swirl in the bottle as she moved her wrist and legs which were draped across the arm of her wingback chair to the beat of the music. Her pajamas clung to her skin that was still slightly damp from the shower. She had decided earlier that she would not bother herself with trivialities like unpacking or sorting laundry. She had far more pressing things on her mind that had to be worked out by tomorrow just in case she was called in.

She reached over to the coffee table to get her notepad where she had listed the things that were on her mind. It was easier to make sense of them when they were laid out in black and white.

_I told Danny that I love him_

_Danny asked me to go to his place – I couldn't_

_I must let Danny go (?)_

_I still have to work with Danny_

_Danny said he loves me_

_Danny cheated_

_Danny kissed me_

_Danny lied_

As Johnny Cash dryly sang about his hard life, she tried to listen for anything to help her with her situation. When "Help Me Make It Through the Night" started, she was brought back to her parents' ranch in Montana on a breezy summer day. She was barefoot, in her jeans and t-shirt, banished to the porch for doing something she ought not, while she was forced to watch her siblings and their friends play. The voices of Johnny and June harmonized and almost sounded cheerful, masking the true meaning of the lyrics.

_Come and lay down by my side  
Till the early morning light  
All I'm taking is your time  
Help me make it through the night_

_I don't care what's right or wrong  
I won't try to understand  
Let the devil take tomorrow  
cause tonight I need a friend_

_Yesterday is dead and gone  
And tomorrow's out of sight  
And it's sad to be alone  
Help me make it through the night  
_

She thought it funny how as a child she never understood the words; the need for that kind of comfort was not in her schema. But now…. Could that possibly have been how Danny felt? Did the fact that Johnny and June sang it give credence to that reasoning?

"_Let the devil take tomorrow/cause tonight I need a friend."_ Did Danny feel as if he needed a friend? If so, what was she? _"And tomorrow's out of sight." _Was it really that easy for him not to think of the consequences? Were her feelings that easy to dismiss?

Did he not care what was right or wrong? Was he only living in that moment? What brought him to the point that he just wanted a distraction?

When he'd tried to explain it to her she didn't want to hear it. _Maybe it's time for some answers. _She realized that she wouldn't get any answers until she talked to the one she had been avoiding – Danny.

Before she got up from her chair she wrote one more thing on her list:

_I still love Danny_

**CSI:NY**

**Danny's thoughts**

"_I thought that six months away would help, but it's only made me more willing to forgive you and I'm _still_ in love with you…"_

Danny's heart swelled when he heard Lindsay say that until she continued, _"Which feels wrong on so many levels."_

He hated feeling so uncertain. He couldn't bear the thought of Lindsay hating him, but now that he knew that she was still in love with him he felt as if he was in limbo – some kind of romantic purgatory. He needed answers.

Why didn't he tell her sooner that he loved her? Why did he have to wait until it was over and he was veritably begging to get her back? Now his confessions of his love for her must seem so pathetic and desperate. He didn't want to tell her before because he honestly didn't realize he felt that way. Now there was no question about it, and it seemed to not make a difference.

Even before she said she still loved him, her actions during their dance left no doubt as to how she felt about him. What he wanted to know was what was holding her back.

"_Danny, I can't go to your place knowing that was where you…. All I can think about is you and her doing it on every surface of your place and I can't deal with that now."_

He couldn't believe that she pulled away from him because she refused to go to his apartment. He tried to envision himself in her position – if _she_ had a liaison with another guy at _her_ place. Would he be able to handle it? Would he be able to sit on her sofa or lie in her bed again? His imagination ran away with him and he felt himself becoming enraged with the thought of her with another man. He thought back to the time when he first began to pursue her and she said that she could not have a relationship with him. Even then he would become tense when he thought that she was possibly getting comfort from another man.

If the only thing keeping them apart now was where he lived, he now had to make a decision – what was more important, his love or his home?


	10. Apartments

Disclaimer: I'm test driving a few characters belonging to CBS, et al, and taking them out for a spin in my world… (insert wicked laugh here)

**Disclaimer: **I'm test driving a few characters belonging to CBS, et al, and taking them out for a spin in my world… (insert wicked laugh here).

**The Letter**

**Chapter 10 – Apartments**

Lindsay's eyes automatically rose from her paperwork to the vibrating noise that emanated from her partner's side of their office. Danny reached for his phone without taking his eyes off of his computer screen and answered it.

"Messer…. This is he…. Yes, I wanted to know when I could come to see… "

Lindsay tried to concentrate on her work, but her mind was too busy trying to make sense of Danny's conversation. She didn't have to wonder for long.

Danny continued. "The ad says that heat is included. Does that mean…. Oh, okay." He chuckled. "So I _will_ be able to control the heat…. Mhmmm…. Mhmmm…. Sounds good. I'll see you then."

He caught her staring at him, but she didn't say anything, neither did she look away. She didn't hide the fact that she was interested in confirming the nature of his phone call.

After a long pause filled with longing stares, he took the initiative to fill in the gaps. "Apartment I saw in the paper Sunday."

"You're looking for a new apartment?" she asked disbelievingly.

He nodded, their eyes still locked on each other.

"Why?" she whispered.

"Why do you think, Linds?"

"Is it because of what I said? You don't have to…"

"I don't have to what?"

"Danny, that's your apartment. Are you serious?"

"I'm very serious that I want you back in my life – whatever it takes."

"Danny, I can't make any promises."

"I'm not asking for promises, just a chance. Do you think you can give me that?"

"I don't know what to say, Danny. There are so many things to work out. I mean what if we didn't make it? Then you will have given up your apartment…"

"Why do you make it sound as if my apartment is what makes me happy? You wanna know what makes me happy?"

"What?" she mouthed.

"You," he responded in the same tone. "There are no guarantees in life. Right now I just want to be around you and know that you're enjoying my company too. That's all I want – for now. Is that alright?"

Lindsay nodded as she let his intentions sink in. She bit her lip in an attempt to keep the corners of her mouth from turned up into a smile, but it was futile.

"So…when are you going to look at the apartment?"

"After work today. Wanna come?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to come? I could use the company."

"Sure. I'll come. "

**CSI:NY**

"What?" Lindsay asked, reacting to the look of mock annoyance on Danny's face.

"What took you so long?" he asked as he pressed the down button on the elevator.

"I told you I had to get my things."

"Twenty minutes, Lindsay? Come on. My Uncle Peg Leg could've done that faster than you did." Lindsay laughed at him.

"Quit whining, Messer. Let's go."

"Okay. Let's see. It's 5:25 now, thanks to Ms. Slow Poke over here," he gave her a harsh glare which made her chuckle, "so we'll see how long it takes to get there on the train. You gotta time these things, Montana. Make sure you're not too far away from work. So let's see."

Lindsay didn't pay attention to him as he rambled on about which trains they had to take because she was letting it sink in that she was spending time with him, had been asked to go apartment hunting with him, and had been called Montana.

A whistle and Danny's hand waving in front of her face knocked her out of her daze.

"You alright there? You still with me?"

"Yeah. I'm just thinking."

"About what?"

Before she could answer, he was distracted by the oncoming headlight from so far down the track he hadn't even heard it yet. He leaned over toward the track to watch its seemingly slow arrival towards them. As it got closer to the station the rushing air and rumbling announced their train's arrival.

"That's us. Let's go." He grabbed her gently by the arm and walked a couple of steps to the train door, but stood off to the side to allow the riders who were getting off to exit.

As expected, there were no available seats, so he reached up to grab the pole and she latched onto him. She looked up at him nervously, not knowing if by holding onto him for safety she was silently making an offer she could not guarantee she could make good on. When he gazed into her eyes she knew that she couldn't let go. As Danny moved his body to compensate for the lurching and swaying of the train, Lindsay allowed herself to sink into him. She laid her head on his chest and he rested his cheek on her head. They were alone in their silence. Could she do this? Could she let him back in? They both wondered this, but Lindsay knew that she already had. She hadn't really ever let him go. Danny didn't know what was going through her mind. He knew that she cared for him, loved him even, but was that enough to make him appear to be the man of fidelity and honor that would allow them to rebuild the shambles that was their life together?

All too quickly the train ride was over. The moment had escaped them, leaving them clamoring to make it through the train's door before they slid shut.

They walked the next few blocks in silence. Danny looked at the numbers on the buildings they passed to see how close they were. They both took in the sights and sounds of the neighborhood to try to get the feel of how it would be when children had gotten home from school and adults were getting home from work. At mid-day every neighborhood was quiet, so this was what he'd be coming home to.

"Nice neighborhood," Lindsay commented.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It has a family feel to it."

Danny made a mental note of her reaction.

**CSI:NY**

"So, what do you think?" Danny asked as they wrapped up the tour given by the owner who left them in the living room while he went outside for a smoke. "Does it feel like home?"

"_You_ have to live here, Danny, not me." She had to admit that she was a bit flattered that he valued her opinion.

"I want you to be comfortable if you'll be spending a lot of time here." He turned to look in her eyes. "I _want_ you to spend a lot of time here. With me, Lindsay.

"Make sure that you're ready to give up your apartment. You've been there for a while."

I don't know how many ways to tell you, but I don't care where I am as long as I'm with you." _God, that was so cliché. _ "I'm in this for the long haul. I'm never hurting you again. You gotta believe me. Doing what I did didn't make me feel like a big man, it made me feel small. I've made so many mistakes. If staying in my apartment means I'm going to lose my only chance to earn you back…. I've made enough mistakes and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get you to see that I could _some _day _possibly_ be worthy of your love. This is the easiest step for me to take. You want me to move? It's done. Don't get me wrong – I know that this doesn't solve anything, but if we can't be together to work on _us_ because of where I live…. If being there makes you uncomfortable then I'm outta there." His voice lowered to a whisper, "I just want a chance Lindsay. _ Please."_

She saw the pleading in his eyes and heard the sincerity in his voice. She grabbed his hand and nodded. He pulled her to him and held her tightly.

He said into her hair, "Thank you. I promise you won't regret it."

They stood there for about a minute before Lindsay broke the silence. "Do you think you can fit all of your furniture in here?"

"It's not important. I'm starting over. New place, new furniture."

Lindsay gawked at him. "Are you serious? Where are you getting all of this money from?"

"Don't worry about that. I'm going to get one thing at a time."

"So you're not keeping _anything_?"

"Just the pool table and I need room for my bike. Everything else will come with time." He looked over to her. "Wanna help me decorate?"

She beamed. "Sure. Are you registered anywhere?"


	11. SeeSaw

**The Letter**

**DISCLAIMER: **I'm breathing new life into characters owned by others...

**A/N: **These are vignettes that do NOT occur on the same day.

**Chapter 11 – See-Saw**

Danny and Lindsay knew that the road they had chosen was not going to be easy. The ups quickly turned to downs and vice versa, based on how long Lindsay let herself focus on how much they had lost and where they would be were it not for Danny's bad decisions and whether or not Danny allowed himself to get mired down in guilt and regret.

They both struggled with not pulling away from each other, which was an instinctive reaction to their feelings of anger, mistrust, and unworthiness. Usually their 'down' times did not overlap, leading one to harass the other until the lines of communication were open again. The hard part was when they withdrew from each other. It was at those times that they allowed each other to wallow in their past misery until one or the other remembered how much better life was with the other. What amazed them was how many times they had to be reminded of that.

**CSI:NY**

"What exactly _is_ mauve, Montana?"

"Why do you keep asking me questions like that? Look at the paint sample!"

They continued through Sherwin-Williams looking at paint color cards while Danny insisted that the gradations of color that were supposed to exist were not there. They had to be part of a money-making ploy.

"Danny, did you ask me to come with you to listen to you complain about the number of shades of paint or how ridiculous the names are?"

"No," he pouted. "I want you to help me decorate. I'm no good at this."

"Maybe you should hire a decorator."

"Maybe you should just help me decorate…"

"That's what I'm trying to do, but all you keep doing is…"

"Alright. No more complaints. I'll just look at paint samples and pick the one I like. I won't look at the names or comment on how I think that they're the same color on different pieces of paper. From now on I'll just point. Better yet, you pick out a color and…"

"Oh, no. This is _your_ place. I know what you're going to do. If someone makes a negative remark about the color you're going to blame me, and…"

They argued good-naturedly the entire time they were in the paint store. They argued when they went to the furniture store. It was at those times that they were able to be themselves and it was apparent that they were irretrievably connected.

**CSI:NY**

"I've been _thinking_ and _feeling_ and I just need to be alone with that."

"But Lindsay, I want to be there for that."

"Believe me, you don't."

"If your _thoughts_ and _feelings_ are about us, then yes, I want to be there – I _need_ to be there. I don't care if you feel the need to throw things at me. I'll even tattoo a bulls-eye on my forehead."

She chuckled with that imagery.

"I deserve whatever you throw at me. I've told you before that I know that fixing this won't be quick or easy and I'm in it for the long-haul. Just give me the chance. I get the feeling that you don't want to fall apart in front of me. Baby, you've seen me at my worst. I never thought I'd fall that low. There's nothing you could possibly do to make me lose respect for you or stop loving you. _Nothing._ Is it that you just don't want to show me how much you've been hurt by this? I know I hurt you and I'm finally going to act like an adult and own up to what I've done, accept the consequences, and do what I have to do to make this better. I'm not going anywhere, Lindsay."

**CSI:NY**

What more did he have to do to get things back to normal? Would he have to pay for his mistakes for the rest of his life? Danny sometimes had these thoughts when it seemed as if he and Lindsay would never be together again without being divided by their own pain. He dared not voice this to her because he knew that this was all part of the price he had to pay for what he had done.

He wanted the scars to heal. Why did some of the wounds seem so fresh at times? There had to be a definite end to this suffering. He knew that it was worth the work, but the daily uphill climb was tiring emotionally and sometimes physically.

Lindsay had come into work that morning barely uttering a greeting. She barely made eye contact with him and he knew that this was her day to wallow. He was dealing with his own feelings, so he wasn't up to his usual job of consoling her by telling her how guilty he was and how much he loved her and wanted to spend eternity with her. He just couldn't do it today. Tomorrow, maybe. But not today.

**CSI:NY**

As they approached Lindsay's apartment building he asked, "Can I to come up?" trying to sound nonchalant, but she could tell that he was nervous.

"Danny, I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

"Lindsay, I'm not going to ask you to do anything you don't want to do. The last thing I want is to wake up to you with regret written all over your face. I just want to hang out as friends, maybe watch a movie. Can we do that?"

Seeing the hesitant look on her face let him know that he had a lot more work to do.

"I promise. I won't make a move on you. I won't try to kiss you or hug you or cop a feel. I just want to spend some time with you."

"We already spent time together today."

"But it's not enough. It's never enough."

He was pleading with her to spend time with her that she had begged him for when he decided to exclude her from his life. She couldn't deny that he was desperately trying to show her that he did indeed want her in his life. She could either push him away to continue hurting him and herself or she could let him in. She gestured with her head for him to follow her inside.

**CSI:NY**

_**Next: The Housewarming Party**_


	12. The Housewarming Party

Housewarming party

**Disclaimer:** The top is down and the wind is blowing through our hair. I've taken the characters of CSI:NY out for a spin. Since they're not mine, I'll have to bring them back soon…

**The Letter**

**Chapter 12 – The Housewarming Party**

When Lindsay bounded into the doorway of her office she spotted a rectangle envelope perched on her keyboard. She didn't have to wonder who left it – it was addressed to "Montana."

The envelope flap wasn't sealed, and took no time to open. Still, a bevy of ideas swirled in her mind about what was contained therein. Her previous harried mood that was created by her mad dash to get back to the lab was lightened when she read the pre-written invitation with the time and date written in Danny's handwriting. "7PM Friday night." At the bottom was a personal note:

"Montana, don't even think about not showing up. MOO"

She laughed and rolled her eyes as she inserted the card into the envelope. '_MOO.' Only Danny would remember a detail like that: _

**CSI:NY**

Hawkes sidled up to Flack with an amused grin, holding his yellow envelope up next to Flack's. "I see you got one too."

"Yeah. You going?"

"Of course. Gotta see this new place. I wonder if Monroe had anything…"

"You know that Danny would not have given up his last place for any other reason."

"I know, I know. I just hope it works out the way he wants it to."

"For both of their sakes."

"Yeah."

"I don't know what's going on from one day to the next."

"Tell me about it. One day they're best friends, the next day they're not speaking. I wonder if she got an invitation."

"Probably engraved."

With that, they continued down the hall shaking from their laughter.

**CSI:NY**

The last-minute preparations were taking a bit longer than he had planned, but he planned to be finished by the time his first guest arrived. With a little decorating help from Lindsay, his new place was quite homey.

He opened his two new packs of coasters and placed them on his coffee table. He couldn't ever recall requiring anyone to use coasters at his place, but since he had replaced his furniture he wanted it to last as long as it could. Still, he knew that in a few weeks it would be covered in scuff marks from putting his heels on it after a hard day at work.

As he made a three-pointer with the crumpled refuse from the coaster package, the doorbell rang. Glancing at his watch he saw that it was only a little after six. He opened the door to a smiling face.

"Hey, Danny. Thought you could use some help before everybody arrives."

He opened the door wider to let her in.

"Welcome to Casa de Messer."

"Very nice. I see you took my advice and didn't buy the bear rug." She chuckled as he glared at her.

"I wanted to have something manly in here."

"I think it's a very masculine place without the bear rug. Wait until your guests show up. You'll see."

"If they rag on me, you owe me."

"Owe you what?"

"Whatever I ask for."

"Oh, no. I don't know what kind of payback you'd come up with."

Danny flashed an evil smirk and turned away from her. "It wouldn't be anything you'd object to."

"Hmmm. Whatever. So, what do you need help with?"

**CSI:NY**

Hawkes was a little surprised when Lindsay opened the door to Danny's apartment. _I guess she got an engraved invitation after all_.

"Hello, Lindsay. Did Danny hire you as a doorman?" Hawkes looked around for the host, but he was nowhere to be found.

"I'm a volunteer. You know that Danny's too cheap to pay for good help."

Lindsay looked at Hawkes as he laughed along with her, but she also noticed the suspicious look he gave her.

"Danny's getting ready."

Hawkes nodded. "Sooo…You're here early."

"Yeah, I guess I didn't trust him to finish getting his place together on his own so I got here a little early to help him out."

"I wouldn't have thought that was your job anymore," he whispered.

"It's not my _job_, Sheldon. I'm just helping out a friend." She shot him a look that signaled the end of their conversation. She couldn't blame him, though. She had Sheldon's ear on quite a few occasions after she and Danny broke up. He didn't officially take sides, but he couldn't help but feel a bias. Now he couldn't understand why she'd let him back in her life. _That's her business, not mine._

**CSI:NY**

As the other guests came, Hawkes made sure to spread the word that Lindsay had arrived first and that she was doing a favor for her friend, Danny. They gave each other knowing looks whenever something that could be interpreted as more than a friendly gesture passed between the two. Neither of them overtly acted as if they were more than friends. Actually, they barely spoke to each other or looked at each other.

As much as Stella abhorred what Danny did, she couldn't help but feel that it was totally out of character for him and she secretly hoped that they would find a way to work out things between them. She kept her eyes peeled for any hint that they could _possibly_ consider that at a future time they could _maybe_ get back together.

Mac knew it was the pain speaking when Lindsay said that it had been a mistake to get involved with a coworker. The resulting mess-up at work violated her perfectionist tendencies too. He knew that it would be a matter of time until they were back together – _if_ Danny played his cards right. For better or for worse they were joined at the hip. He'd never tell anyone, not even Stella, that he had arranged for Lindsay to temporarily transfer to the New Jersey lab. He wanted to give her time to cool off and think about her next step; he didn't want her to run away permanently. He also wanted to give her time to miss Danny. Undoubtedly she did. He wondered how long it was going to take for them to get back together, and in light of Lindsay's professed 'mistake,' how long it would be before they let anyone know.

**CSI:NY**

After a couple of hours Lindsay picked up her purse, said goodnight to everyone and thanked Danny as he walked her to the door. They quietly slipped out of the front door together.

"Why you leaving so early?"

"I have to be to work for 6:00."

"Can't you stay for a little while longer?"

"I really can't Danny," she said apologetically.

"Okay. Well, thanks for coming and helping." As they reached the elevator, he turned to face her.

There was so much he wanted to say to her. As usual, he was fearful that he would say the wrong thing and turn her away for good.

"This isn't going to be your last time coming over, will it?"

"No, Danny." She smiled.

"Good." He reached for her hand, and she gripped his reassuringly.

"Did you get the feeling that we were being watched in there?"

"That's the understatement of the year."

The elevator doors opened and they bid each other goodnight, letting their hands slide apart.

**CSI:NY**

As it happened, Mac was the last man standing at the party. He wanted to have a private talk with Danny.

"I can't believe you're still here, Mac. You usually cut out early. What's up?"

"You think I don't have a life outside of work?"

Danny shrugged. "Ummm. Pretty much."

"I do. And so do you. That's what I wanted to talk about."

"_My_ life outside of work?"

"Is that alright?"

"Sure." Danny put the paper plates he was collecting down on the coffee table and sat on the sofa next to Mac.

"How are things between you and Lindsay these days?"

"Fine. We're working on being friends again. You know, one step at a time."

"Friends, huh? That's good to know. When I talked to her about leaving out the evidence from the cabbie murders, she told me that she did it because she was distracted and that she had made a mistake by dating a coworker in the first place. I was hoping that you didn't have any thoughts of dating her again."

Mac almost burst into laughter at Danny's attempt to hide his disappointment. "A mistake? Who said anything about dating? We're just trying to be friends again." Danny rubbed his chin as he contemplated Mac's words.

"Good. I'm telling you that as a friend, Danny. I don't want to see either of you get hurt again." Mac rose from his seat and said, "That's all I wanted to talk about."

"Yeah, thanks Mac."

"Good night, Danny."

"'Night, Mac."

Mac shut the door behind him with a smile. _That should at least get them talking…_

Danny scratched his head and thought, _I'm going to have to talk to Montana to see if she thinks we were a mistake. After all that we shared, she couldn't think that, could she?_


	13. Talk To Me

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. I only want to control them.**

Thanks to all readers and reviewers (including Astacia). Your reviews and feedback are very encouraging!

**CHAPTER 13 – TALK TO ME**

**CSI:NY**

Should he call or should he go to her apartment? Should he wait until he saw her at work the next day? He knew that she had to get up early. He figured that he'd wait. A face-to-face meeting was in order, but tonight she needed her sleep.

Fortunately, the next day she agreed to let him come to her apartment after work. He approached her quite seriously about needing to talk to her so she was as edgy as he was about their impending conversation.

**CSI:NY**

"I had a talk with Mac. He told me that you said it had been a mistake getting involved with me. Is that really how you feel?"

"First, let me clarify what I said. I said that getting involved with a _coworker_ was a mistake, not with _you_ specifically.

"Do you feel as if _we_ were a mistake?"

Lindsay closed her eyes then turned away. "I can't answer that question right now. When things were going great, of course not. But when they fell apart, my whole world turned upside down. I couldn't help but feel that way. I'm not blaming you for everything. I made mistakes too. I shouldn't have been okay with being in love with you and not knowing whether you felt the same way. That's my fault. I should have told you how I felt and what my expectations were. Right now, I just want this pain to go away. You should be able to relate to that." Those words made him feel as if he had been stabbed. "Until it does I won't answer that question."

"Lindsay. _Right now, _do you wish we had never been in a relationship? I need to know if what we had up until that point was worthwhile, if you feel as if we're even worth the effort to try again."

After a long pause he started to turn away and she grabbed his arm to prevent him from doing so.

"I can tell you what questions I can answer. _Do I still love you? _Yes! _Am I serious about giving us a second chance? _Absolutely! _ Do I think we're moving in the right direction? _Hell yes! But Danny, I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Just…don't make me regret this."

He could tell that she was pleading with him now.

"Lindsay, I promise that you can let your guard down with me. I'm not hurting you again. You'll never have to wonder where I am or who I'm with. I'm okay with having to 'check in' with you if that's what you – _we_ – need. My biggest problem was forming an emotional relationship with another woman. I cheated emotionally before I cheated physically. I know that now. I'll never do that again. If I have a problem, I'm coming to you…"

"Danny, if you have a problem it's _our_ problem."

He nodded. "I know that now. And for the record, I've never regretted being with you. That's the one decision in my life that I've never second-guessed. I'd like to know that you feel the same, but if you don't I'll make sure that from now on you never regret deciding to be with me."

"Danny, don't make promises you aren't sure you can keep. I'm a different person now."

"So am I."

"My point is that we have to get to know each other again."

"I thought that was what we were doing."

She smiled. "It is. I guess I'll need a lot of reassurance for a while. Are you up to it?"

"_Whatever_ it takes._"_

Before she knew it she tilted her head up and their lips touched. Stunned by her own action, she pulled back.

"Danny, I…" She didn't know whether to apologize or… A kiss can't be taken back. After her forwardness, how could she tell him that she still just wanted to be friends for now and that she had crossed a line which she still wanted to maintain?

Danny was just as stunned as she was. He didn't move and didn't speak. He saw the immediate regret in her eyes and wanted to alleviate their awkwardness, but he was afraid to say or do anything.

"Danny…"

"Good night, Linds. I'll see you at work tomorrow." He smiled at her, somehow reassuring her that he wouldn't hold her to anything the kiss could have implied. He squeezed her arm and let himself out.

No, a kiss could not be taken back. Danny was left sorting out its meaning, although that wasn't hard to do. He knew that he was yet another step closer to making amends and getting his best friend back.


	14. Man to Man

Chapter

**A/N: **Mac might be OOC. I'm trying to show him as a real person.

**Chapter 14 – Man to Man**

The jukebox played songs with which he was not familiar. Danny took a pull from his beer bottle and stared at the bottles lined up in the bartender's lair. He could see his reflection in the mirror that lined the walls, and even from a distance he could see the tiredness on his face. A familiar voice called to him and he turned to see his boss in regular street clothes sidling up next to him balancing himself on the stool.

"Hey, Danny. What's going on?"

Danny nodded toward his companion. "Mac."

"If you have this much time on your hands I can find some more work for you to do." Mac's face broke into a rare smile.

Danny shook his head and said, "No, thank you. I'm trying to think out some things."

"Such as?"

"Such as the conversation we had the other night. I can't wrap my brain around why you'd bring up what Lindsay told you."

Mac turned away, obviously not expecting to have his motives questioned, especially when the answer would embarrass him.

"Mac? _Please_ don't tell me that was premeditated." He stared at the back of Mac's head.

"I repeat: Mac, please do not tell me that letting me know that Montana thought that dating a coworker was a mistake was part of a plot."

Mac guiltily looked at Danny out of the corner of his eye, still not able to look at him straight on.

"Maaaac. Look at me. Talk to me. This is some Stella type of stuff. It's not like you to get in the middle of other people's personal affairs. You could have…you could have messed it all up. Why would you do that?"

"Danny… I…thought that you two needed…a bit of…prodding."

"Prodding? I finally got her to consider letting me be her friend, maybe in the future becoming more, and you put it in my head that she might be leading me on…"

"I didn't know that…"

"You knocked the wind out of me, Mac. Was that what you wanted?"

"No, Danny. I just wanted to…"

"To what? To what, Mac? You almost ruined it for me. If I had gone off half-cocked I could have lost her forever."

"Did you? Did you go off half-cocked?"

"No."

"Did you lose her forever?"

"No. At least I don't think so. I'm just so confused. I mean, if you had read the letters she sent me…"

"What letters?"

"You would know why I'm on edge all the time." Danny took a folded piece of paper out of his back pocket, which when unfolded blossomed into a few sheets of paper, and he handed them to Mac.

"Look at this." He took them back from Mac and rifled through them until he found the one he wanted, and pointed to a spot on the paper. He had obviously memorized the location of the words.

"She wrote, 'I don't regret having known you. You provided the emotional companionship that I needed.' That's her first letter to me. And look at this one." He shuffled the papers and stopped at the one he wanted. "' The only conclusion that I can reach is that we should have never been together in the first place. We were incompatible in a romantic capacity and your lies have made a platonic relationship impossible.' And then you come and tell me that we were a _mistake_. Please, Mac. For the love of all that is good, don't get involved in my personal life again. Leave the matchmaking to Stella."

Mac grinned and raised his hands in a conceding gesture. "Point taken, Danny. Never again."

He gave Danny a moment to cool off before he resumed speaking.

"So, how did it turn out?"

Danny's eyes rolled up and to the left.

"Ummm…She said that we needed to work on being friends and she might consider more. Then…shekissedme." He hoped the older man hadn't understood him and wouldn't ask him to clarify what he had just said. No such luck.

"Excuse me? She _what_ you? Did you say she _kissed_ you?"

This time it was Danny who would not look at Mac. He blushed as he lowered and shook his head.

"You mean that now you two are becoming friends again, with the possibility of becoming more, _and_ she kissed you, and you consider my matchmaking efforts a failure? Just what would you consider a success? I agree that Stella has more tricks up her sleeve than I do, but this isn't too bad for my first time, right? I don't think you would have gotten a kiss if Stella would have gotten involved. I'd say, Score one for the Mac-Man."

Danny shook his head and laughed at this new side of Mac that he was seeing. He never thought that Mac would involve himself in influencing his personal life or would show this much of a sense of humor with a subordinate. A t-shirt, jeans, meddling, laughter. He was going to have to redefine his relationship with Mac.

"So, Mac, now that you know about my love life, what about yours? What's going on between you and Quinn? You seem to have a…history."

Mac exhaled heavily and shook his head wearily. "There is _nothing_ going on with Quinn, although she wouldn't mind if there was. It's a long story that's better kept buried."

Even though Danny felt entitled to ask for more details, he let it rest, but did not totally give up.

"Okay. Quinn's out. Who's in?"

"Nobody's in."

"There's got to be someone. A single man in New York with a high-powered job…"

"Awww. Come on. Who says there has to be someone?"

"Level with me. You almost shattered all of my dreams. You owe me this much."

Mac fidgeted on his stool and sighed heavily. He had walked right into this one and he didn't even see it coming.

"Nobody you'd know."

"All the better."

"Rachel."

"What Rachel?"

"I said you wouldn't know her."

"Tell me about her."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

**A/N:** Thought I'd lighten the mood a bit. Hope you enjoyed it!


	15. Rachel

"She was a red-head," Mac began thoughtfully

**The Letter**

**CHAPTER 15 - RACHEL**

"She was a red-head," Mac began thoughtfully. He fingered his beer bottle and eyed its swirling contents as if he was waiting for a chemical reaction.

"Always the red-heads, huh, Mac?"

"Red-heads are trouble. They're a bit of a weakness for me. Anyway, I had to contact a judge about getting a warrant and I wound up talking to his law clerk and two hours later we had made a date."

Danny nodded slowly, approving of Mac's quick work.

"How long ago was this?"

"Couple of years."

"Pre-Payton."

"Yeah."

"You gonna tell me what happened or do I have to do this one question at a time?"

Mac smirked and eyed Danny, appreciating his newfound forthrightness. He heard him joke around with Flack and others, but he could sense a shift in their relationship from boss and mentor to…well, maybe it had a larger scope instead of a different one. He was still his boss and mentor, but now he was almost a friend – a running buddy. He knew that Danny would not lose his respect for him, but there was definitely a new dimension to their relationship.

"Since you're so impatient I'll make this story short. We didn't set up a date over the phone, but when I had to pick up the warrant…. All I know is that I saw flaming red hair and legs up to there…"

Upon hearing that, Danny whistled, envisioning what this Rachel person looked like.

"…and she had a smile that… You know that smile?"

"I know that smile."

"Well, when we saw each other, there was no doubt that there was…_something_."

Danny waited while Mac silently relived his memories about Rachel, evident by the grin on his face.

"We went out for a while, then we…"

"Hold on! Hold on! Like Stella says - details."

"I told you. We went out for a while. Things were great."

_**Flashback**_

The fiery red hair matched the devilish playfulness in her eyes. There were a few freckles on her face, neck, and what he could see of her cleavage without being obvious, and the crinkling of the skin by her eyes when she smiled didn't age her; at least not in Mac's eyes.

"Rachel Wagner?"

The lady nodded. "And you must be Mac Taylor."

"Nice to put a name with a face," Mac said as he flashed his badge.

"That's not necessary. I'd know you anywhere."

Mac cocked his head to the side and looked at her curiously. Rachel swung her computer monitor around so that he could see the picture that accompanied an online story about a year old high-profile case in which he had to testify.

"Are you researching me?"

"No. I just like to know who I'm dealing with. I must say, I'm impressed."

"Really?"

"A highly-decorated marine, a detective, a CSI, and now a lead CSI. What part of that don't you think is impressive?" Her green eyes twinkled as she smirked.

"I…I'm just doing my job." He found it hard to look her in the eye. Taking credit was something he was trained to do within the confines of a team. As an individual he did not feel as if he deserved or should accept accolades.

"Come on, Detective Taylor. Don't tell me I've embarrassed you."

"Call me Mac. And, no, you haven't embarrassed me, but I guess Marines are like the three musketeers – all for one and one for all."

"We lawyers don't know anything about that. There can be only one winner. Everybody else loses." She picked up the envelope off of her desk and held it out to him. "Here's your package."

He opened the unsealed envelope and looked at the warrant. None of the words on the page made sense. The judge's signature was scrawled at the bottom, that much he comprehended. His thoughts swirled about the woman he had just met and worried that his face would betray him if he looked at her.

"Is everything in order? Is there anything else you need?"

"Everything's here. Thank you. You're very efficient."

"Very efficient," she repeated. "Do I make you nervous, Mac?"

Mac grinned and looked away sheepishly.

Rachel continued, "I get the feeling that you don't usually compliment law clerks for their efficiency when getting a standard warrant."

Mac blushed. "I…I…"

"That's okay. I guess I should have just said thank you. Maybe we can, um, see each other some time?"

Mac smiled and nodded. "I'd like that."

She extracted a business card from the holder on her desk, turned it over and started writing.

"This is my cell number. And this is my home number. I expect to hear from you soon _Mac._" Rachel placed emphasis on his name.

_**End Flashback**_

"I didn't know you went for the forward type, Mac."

"Well, you never know what your type is until you find it."

"This is true."

"Who would've thought Lindsay was your type?"

"You got that right. My nose was wide open from day one and I didn't even know it."

"You might not have known it, but we did."

"You could've given me a heads-up, Mac. What kind of friend are you?"

"I was such a good friend that I let you experience love. There's nothing better than that. Maybe except having a child with her."

"Hold on there! You're going a bit far with that one."

"You never know what the future holds."

"My mind isn't even in that direction…"

"What direction is it going in?"

"I…I don't know, Mac. I think we're moving in the right direction, but sometimes we just…stall. Everything's in her hands. She's in control. _We_ are at _her_ mercy."

"It wasn't too long ago that _she_ was at _your_ mercy. You made unilateral decisions that got you here in the first place."

"You had to remind me."

"Don't ever forget that. If you let yourself forget, you'll do it again. Then she's gone forever."

"When I go to sleep I think about it, when I wake up I think about it. Everything I do, if Lindsay's not there, I remember why."

Mac nodded grimly.

"It gets better."

Danny looked at Mac. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"And you know this how?"

"Let's just say that there's a reason that I keep my distance from Quinn."

Danny's eyes jumped open. "No way!"

"It's not what you think. It was one kiss years ago, but still I when I look at her I remember what I did."

They sat quietly wondering how their conversation got to be so heavy, each thinking of a way to lighten the mood.

"So…that's a nice place you have, Danny. I didn't know you had such decorating skills. You might have another career when you retire from this one."

"Real funny, Mac. You really think I could have pulled that together?"

"If you didn't who did?"

"You know damn well who did. Just come out and say it."

Mac chuckled. "No need to say anything. What's your next step?"

Danny shook his head. "Don't know. I'm following her lead. If I push then I'll lose her."

"You're being subtle – sort of. Getting her to help you decorate was a nice touch."

"That was a good one. She also went with me to look at apartments." Mac's brows raised.

"I didn't know that."

"I wanted to see what she liked. Who knows? She might be living there one day."

"You _do_ know where this is headed."

"I see myself with her for a long time. This is not temporary."

"Good. You're good for each other."

"What about you and Rachel? You never told me what happened between you two."

"You will not drop this, will you?"

"Mac, we're _bonding_. Finish your story." Danny propped his elbows on the bar and rested his chin on his fisted hands. Mac couldn't help but laugh at the look of anticipation on Danny's face.

"Okay, Danny. I'll make this short and sweet. Rachel and I dated for a few months until someone suggested that it was an inappropriate relationship, and that was that."

"That's it? Have you seen her since? Where is she now?"

"No, I haven't seen her since. I avoided having to contact her, and then she moved. I don't know where she is now."

"You can find her very easily. Have you tried?"

"No."

"Don't worry. Let the best CSI in New York find her for you."


	16. Sealed With a Kiss

The Letter

**The Letter**

**Chapter 16 – Sealed With a Kiss**

"_So, how are things between you and Messer?" Quinn asked._

"Ohhhh. We're friends."

"_Just friends? Come on, Lindsay. You pined away for him for six months, you finally reunite and you're just friends?"_

"There are still trust issues to be worked out. Soon, I hope."

"_Don't take too long. Kent still asks about you. He knew that you were hung up on some guy, but if you gave him the word he'd sweep you off your feet. If I told him that you were still available he'd probably make his move."_

"He's a sweet guy."

"_Just not the one you want."_

"Believe me, if it was up to me I'd choose the easier route. As it stands, I want the guy who…"

"_Causes you the most pain but makes you feel the most alive? I know what that's like," she said wistfully._

"Do you?"

_Yes, I do. I told you about him."_

"And I still can't believe it. I'm scarred for life now. I'll never be able to look at him the same way."

"_You sound like a teenager_,_ "Oooh! Gross!"_

The women laughed.

"I feel like a teenager who just interrupted her parents…_doing it_. Yuck!"

"_Thanks a lot, Lindsay."_

"You know what I mean. I'm sorry, but I think I'll blush every time I see him."

"_Forget I ever mentioned it."_

"I'll try!"

"_Speaking of 'doing it...'"_

"Don't even go there, Quinn. But I will tell you that we had fun decorating his apartment. He seemed to want my input on ever little detail."

"_That's a good sign. Means he wants you to feel at home."_

"That's what he said."

"_Lindsay, not too many guys would give up their home and their possessions for a girl if he didn't plan on a long-term relationship. You know that, right?"_

"Yeah," she muttered.

"_So when are you going to let him off the hook?"_

"It's not that simple…"

"_Then go out with Kent."_

"No!"

"_Then I'd say you've made up your mind. And I don't want to hear that it's not that simple…"_

"But it's not! I still can't trust him."

"_Give him a real chance, Linds. Not a chance with reservation. _Really_ start over from scratch."_

"You mean forget what happened?"

"_You might have to for a while."_

"How do you forget something like that?"

"_If you want something badly enough you can find a way to do it. I think it takes more energy to remember than to forget. Remembering hurt is an act of self-preservation that requires you to constantly remind yourself what happened. What's your goal here?"_

"I don't want to be hurt again."

"_You might just have to have blind faith that he's a man of his word – again. He let you down. Show him that you believe he's more than that mistake. We all make mistakes. What if all of them were held against us? Give him the chance to prove himself to you."_

**CSI:NY**

"Want to get dinner after shift, Mac?"

"Sorry, Stella. I have plans."

"With whom?" Stella asked incredulously.

"Danny."

"Danny? You two have gotten mighty chummy lately, huh?"

"I guess. He could use some advice about a few things and it's my job to guide him."

"It's not your job. You're his boss not his father."

"I didn't mean it like that. I know I'm not his father. I guess we have developed somewhat of a friendship."

"Hmmm. That doesn't sound like the Mac I know. What do you and Danny have in common all of a sudden?"

"Well, _Mother_, guys can relate to other guys on a level that women can't. We talk about life and all that comes with it."

"Women."

"Among other things."

"Like what?"

Mac sputtered, "Like the rising price of gas."

Stella rolled her eyes and laughed at him. She had no problem with Mac and Danny getting closer, but she wasn't expecting it. She liked and respected both men for different reasons, but they seemed to come from two different worlds.

Stella knew that Danny was hung up on Lindsay, but who was Mac hung up on? She figured that Danny was not the only one receiving help in their relationship. Mac wasn't exactly a paragon of relationship success. Was it wise for them to be giving each other relationship advice? She had to admit that she was a bit hurt that neither of them had come to her, but she realized that many people had successful relationships everyday without her input. Besides, when was the last time she was in a successful relationship?

**CSI:NY**

"_Talk to her, Danny. Ask her about them and then get rid of them. By writing these letters, you two have memorialized your pain. You've cemented it on paper. You've got to let it go."_

Mac's words led Danny to Lindsay's place armed with the letters she had sent him while they were apart.

"I can't believe you kept all of those." Lindsay looked at the well-worn letters that Danny had unfolded and presented her with. They had been a constant reminder of what they had been through, as if his conscience didn't betray him enough.

Lindsay quickly scanned the letters. Though she could remember where she was when she penned them, the acrid tone of her words was no longer relevant. All she could think of was the effect they would have had on Danny as he read them, and the pleading tone of his letters.

"Lindsay, we need to talk about these. _I_ need to talk. I can tell you what these letters say almost verbatim."

"Can we make this quick?" Lindsay felt uneasy about being confronted with her harsh words.

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. It's time for you to reassure me now. I can't get these letters out of my head, but I'm ready to let them go."

"Let them go. Burn them. That's over."

"Not for me. They were the only link I had to you even though you rejected me. I deserved it, Linds. I did. I'm not denying that. I just need you to tell me that you don't feel that way anymore."

"If I still felt that way you wouldn't be here now."

"Linds, just give me a few minutes. This won't take long. I mean, look at this one." The letters were in date order and the first letter he received was on top. "Look at this. _**I was warned against even going out with you.**_ Who warned you about going out with me?"

"You've got to be kidding me, Danny!"

"No, I'm serious. Who warned you about me? I gotta know."

"What are you going to do? Hunt them down? Then what?"

"I need to know."

"Why does it matter?"

"I want to know who thinks so little of me that they would warn you. It's gotta be somebody close. Just tell me who said it, Lindsay. Please."

Lindsay was not going to be responsible for him confronting coworkers over what was said years ago. "I'm…not…telling…you."

He knew that she had put her foot down and would not budge.

"Well, what about this: _**I don't know how many times you had a lapse in judgment or whatever you called it. **_Do you really think this was a habit for me? It was _one time_. I know that once was too much, but I need you to believe that was the only time."

"I believe you! I was hurt and I was doubting everything we ever had. I'm in a different place now. Can we stop this?"

He ignored her plea and scanned the letter for the next written rant.

"_**Every memory of every touch from you is tainted because I can never think about our time together without wondering whose hands yours held before, or whose skin you caressed, and if you wished you were with someone else when you were with me. I hate that I'm left to wonder how I measure up to the others."**_

Lindsay could see the tears well up in his eyes.

"Danny, don't…"

"Lindsay, tell me you don't feel this way now. You have to know that I…that touching you, kissing you, holding you – that was all about _you_. I wasn't…"

"I KNOW THAT! I told you…" She was getting very frustrated at his insistence on rehashing their painful past.

"Just hear me out, Linds."

Lindsay sat as far back on the couch as she could and closed her eyes, resigned to hearing the rest of his speech.

"Then this: _**Tell her up front that you're not capable of being in a long-term monogamous relationship. **_I _am_ capable of being in a long-term monogamous relationship. You have to know that. I need you to know that. And then,

_**I wish you well. I wish you better than you gave me.**_ Baby, you had, and still have, my heart. That's all I have to give. I promise I'll do a better job of showing it. I promise."

--

His mind floated back to one of the many heated discussions they had while they were trying to work things out between them:

"_I was damn good to you until Reuben died and you damn well know that!"_

"_Good to me? Are you serious? Obviously you think that just being with you should have been enough for me. That I should have been grateful even if you were my boyfriend in name only while you did whatever you wanted to do on the side. I guess I had a romance going on in my mind because looking back, there wasn't much romance going on except in my fantasies of what I thought you were going to be. I'm sorry if I'm ungrateful for all that you've done for me."_

"_Lindsay, you can quit the melodrama. I'm tired of it. We've both been to hell and back and now we have to get past that. You can let it eat you up for the rest of your life or you can move on. It's up to you!"_

--

Then…" he shuffled to the next letter, "…_**We obviously approached what we had from diametrically opposed points of view. The only conclusion that I can reach is that we should have never been together in the first place. We were incompatible in a romantic capacity and your lies have made a platonic relationship impossible.**_ Come on, Linds, you _know_ that we always have been good together. We've always been compatible in every way, we should have been together then and we should be together now. You didn't fall in love with a fantasy. You fell in love with me, and I fell in love with you. I didn't say it, but I felt it.

"And look here," he shuffled to the last letter, "_**I feel more than just hurt. I can also remember the good times – and there were many – with fondness, and recall why I fell in love with you in the first place.**_ You know that we're right for each other and you know why we fell in love. And this part isn't true. None of it's true: _**Believe me, you don't want to deal with me while I can't trust you. That would be a very painful exercise in patience and endurance for you and would only add to my guilt about not being able to trust you. I think it would be better for us if we learned from this and move on.**_ I'm going to do whatever it takes. I told you that already. If you want to punch me, go ahead. Just… I need to know that you don't feel this way anymore. Tell me that you really believe in us."

Lindsay opened her eyes, sat up straight, took Danny's face in her hands looked him in the eye and said, "Danny, I don't feel that way anymore. I believe in us." She tilted her head and engaged him in a passionate kiss.

As she backed away, a tear ran down Danny's cheek. He was allowing himself to be vulnerable. They both thought that she would be the one who needed all of the reassurance, but Danny seemed to need it as well. Sure, he was the one who caused their rift, but they both had a part in mending their relationship. She couldn't just sit back and let him do all of the work. She had to work on letting her pain go and focus on the present and their future. This meant that she had to be there when he needed to be assured that she was invested in their relationship.

"How about we burn them?" she asked.

"Then we'll write some new letters?"

"Yeah."

Their lips touched again and they knew that they were going to move beyond their hurtful past. They knew that they had to be _in_ a relationship to fix it. Working on it from the outside in just wouldn't do. There were no guarantees and there was a bumpy road ahead. Only they could determine whether they rode it out together or apart.

_**Next: Private Party**_

6/9/08


	17. A Private Party

Chapter 17 – Private Party

**Chapter 17 – Private Party**

Lindsay gathered the letters that she had received from Danny that had been way too painful to reread. Danny didn't ask her about why she kept them; it wasn't important now. She was willing to let the past go in a momentous way.

Since this was an impromptu party they had to make do with what was on hand – wine, an assortment of cheeses, buffalo wings, hearty fresh bread from the Whole Food Store, and a variety of dips. Of course a couple of lighters and a tin garbage can were going to be the center of activity. Actually, two pads and two ink pens were taking center stage, while the preliminary activity would be the obliteration of the documentation of their past hurtful experiences.

**CSI:NY**

_Flick. _The orange flame wavered until it contacted the paper and consumed it.

_Flick._ _Farewell bad memories, I'm letting you go._

_Flick. _The orange and blue flames caused the pages to curl, blacken, and disintegrate.

The consumption of each letter led each to feel lighter and more liberated than the last. Was it really this easy to let the past go? No. They had worked hard to get to this point. This was merely symbolic.

**CSI:NY**

"Now it's time for the real fun!" Danny exclaimed with a broad smile.

"Ground rules," Lindsay began.

Danny groaned when he heard her obsessive-compulsive rule-making for something that was supposed to flow naturally.

"One – we can't write about painful times. We've dwelled on that enough."

Danny nodded affirmatively.

"We'll stick to the here and now…and the future."

Danny nodded again and then asked, "Can I write about how I knew you wanted me when you first laid eyes on me?"

"Be serious, Danny. Two…"

Danny looked at her as if she had actually shot down a valid question.

"…let's do this often. No special occasions or special days are necessary. I think we both need to go through this process for reaffirmation. Agreed?"

"Agreed." Danny reached out for his pad and pen.

Lindsay used her ink pen to pop his hand to chide him for his impatience. "And rule three – the letters do not have to be long or elaborate. They must be heartfelt so they can't be compulsory either. Just because I write you one doesn't mean that you have to write one to me. "

"Fine. Can you tell me how many rules there are so that I can save myself from any further pain, Mother Superior?"

Lindsay glared at him and handed him his paper and ink pen.

**CSI:NY**

They each thought and wrote while staring at the other for inspiration. They couldn't help but smile and giggle through the process. They wrote their promises to each other, not vows per se, but they wanted to be held to the words on the page. As much as they wanted to let go of the past, they found it hard not to allude to it.

_Dear Lindsay:_

_If I had to characterize what we are together, I would say that we are like an idiom – a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. What we have is greater than either of us alone. I am one entity and you are another, but together we are a testimony to the power of faith, hope, and love. _

_If someone were to ask me what I want for the future, I could not answer. I don't know what levels of greatness we will reach together, but I cannot wait to find out._

_Thank you for believing in us, in our potential for greatness._

_With undying devotion,_

_Danny_

**CSI:NY**

_Dear Danny:_

_I want to be the reason you look at your watch twenty times a day, waiting for the time when we can be together again, because that's what you are to me. _

_I want to be the distraction that makes you have to ask, "Could you repeat that?" after every other sentence during a conversation with your best friend, because that's what you are to me._

_I want to be the reason you get out on the dance floor one last time just so you can touch me while we're in public, because that's what you are to me._

_I want to be the thought that calms you after you wake up from a nightmare, because that's what you are to me._

_I want to be who you think of when you think of home, because that's what you are to me._

_Lindsay_


End file.
